


Smitten Magicians

by dollsome



Category: Arrested Development
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-16
Updated: 2019-03-16
Packaged: 2019-11-19 11:30:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,301
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18135164
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dollsome/pseuds/dollsome
Summary: Gob Bluth and Tony Wonder after the season 5-B finale. A tale told in lowercase letters and too many bullet points.





	Smitten Magicians

**Author's Note:**

> I am so happy that Blunder got to live on in the series finale, especially in a way that invites so many fun headcanons about what their ridiculous future together will be like. I meant to post like 100 words of said headcanons on Tumblr, but then it grew into something of such gigantic size that it could only be posted here. Ergo the bullet points. Let's all pretend it's some cool new way to storytell, instead of just me being too lazy to write proper fic!
> 
> One area that I realize in retrospect I did not get into at all here is whether Gob winds up identifying as gay or bi; I feel like there would be some great future storylines about Gob learning that bisexuality is a thing (as he apparently had by the last scene in 5.16!), but my binge-watch-addled and sleep deprived brain did not think of that in this weird rambly writing frenzy!
> 
> Anyway: BLUNDER 4EVS.

  * after his successful cement illusion with tony, gob calls joni beard one (1) time. when she answers, he says, “auerowehafoaifadjl, NO,  _YOU’RE_  GAY”, hangs up, and possibly throws his phone into the sea. that is his one and only attempt at livin’ that straight life. (it would not have gone anywhere anyway, obviously, since joni beard figured out that she was, well, living up to her last name while they dated. girl ain’t got time for that.)



 

* * *

 

  * gob and tony get together for hand stuff, as promised. since they are God Damned Idiots who live for the thrill of their relationship being dramatic and forbidden even though it isn’t and pretty much everyone who knows them assumes they’re a couple anyway, they take to paying each other visits at their rival companies and pretending they’re having really heated business rival conversations when really they’re hooking up in each other’s offices. this fools exactly no one. they are Not Covert and Very Loud. all of their employees are very, very tired.
  * “i can’t believe we’re sneaking around like this,” tony pants, pushing gob against his office wall.
  * “and no one suspects a thing,” gob says huskily.
  * “i’m right here in the room with you,” sally sitwell says, unimpressed. “i brought you lunch, tony. remember? this is your sandwich.”
  * “oh,” says tony, pulling his hands out of gob’s pants with true magician-y deftness, “i was just helping gob with his–”
  * “contact!!!” gob invents, pretty intelligently for once.
  * “penis contact,” tony says. “penis contact with gob.”
  * “no,” gob mutters, “eyes–contacts for the eyes–”
  * “oh, right!” says tony. he turns to sally and says, deeply convincingly, “he keeps his contact lenses … for his _eyes_ –” he winks at gob, who swoons in spite of the tense situation because how do you not??, “–in his pants. i was just helping him … find them. normal business rival stuff. i’m suing you for that … contract … deposit, by the way.”
  * “the economy!!!” growls gob, shaking his fists at the heavens.
  * “oh yeah? I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT.”
  * gob spots an opportunity he simply cannot resist. “is that so? i was  _wondering_  where i’d see you.”
  * tony is spiritually obligated to crawl under the nearby desk, then leap out with a: “did somebody say …  _wonder_??”
  * “every time! it’s so good every time!!!” gob declares in delighted, lucille-seeing-gene-parmesan-esque hysterics. “you’re the best magician.” (it really says a lot about gob’s true besottedness that he is willing to speak this sentence to someone besides the mirror.)
  * “well, you’re the best audience,” tony insists smilingly.
  * nauseating flirting ensues while gob and tony share the sandwich.
  * a forgotten sally sighs and leaves. when it comes to picking a political spouse, you really can’t do any worse than tony wonder. she’s pretty over it at this point. she mostly just sticks with it because being a politician is a high stress job, and shaving tony’s legs has become oddly soothing. like meditation.



 

* * *

 

  * meanwhile, gob and tony’s attempts to keep things super un-gay in their work rivals hand stuff relationship don’t go very well because they keep adding amendments, i.e. “no kissing” becomes _“some_ kissing, but only with our eyes closed.”



 

* * *

 

  * these hookups morph pretty quickly into date-dates, because they love each other’s company so utterly. they steal more pies. they take color me mine by storm again so gob can attempt to make a butter dish that reminds them of tony’s spiky hair. possibly they go to build-a-bear and create a little magician bear named gony the magnificent. it’s delightful.
  * “you and your husband are so sweet,” says the lady working at build-a-bear.
  * “oh, he’s not my husband,” gob says. “he’s just my sworn business rival, NOT FRIEND, who i do hand stuff with. maybe sometimes a little kissing lately; eyes closed only. but thank you.” he grins radiantly.
  * the lady working at build-a-bear backs away slowly.



 

* * *

 

  * one day, tony indignantly storms in and announces that sally has dumped him because apparently he’s, w-finger-quotes, “super obviously in love with someone else.” which is  _totally unfair_ – like, yes, as a magician, he has to be in love with himself! it’s just part of the magical mythos! that’s how it works! that’s how you nurture the magic inside of you! and that sally would judge that?????? it’s messed up!
  * “i would never judge you for being in love with yourself,” gob contributes. “i mean, who wouldn’t be … in love with you?” (cue awkward, adoring laughter.)
  * “right??” says tony. “god. i wish she got me like you do. see,  _this_  is why i spend all my time with you instead of her. i don’t get why she even keeps pointing that out to me like it’s some weird thing. it makes total sense.”
  * “total sense, duh!” says gob.
  * but really, it’s a very dark time for tony wonder. he can’t convince sally to take him back! she’s kind of been in charge of all his basic day-to-day life stuff for the past forever! where’s he going to live now?? he can’t go back to living in a suitcase! well, he can, if he has to, but he’s not gonna like it.
  * gob is all, “i guess you could move in here.” (where is gob living at this point? who knows. not the point.)
  * and so now they are live-in boyfriends, though neither of them would necessarily be able to tell you that inarguable fact.



 

* * *

 

  * “so, you’re living together already, huh?” says michael during a skype session. “this relationship’s moving fast. hey, good for you, gob. once you figure out what you want, you gotta go for it. life is short. no regrets.” (is he experiencing some guilt about checking out of the whole buster’s-a-murderer situation? maybe a bit, but not enough to come racing back. buster seems pretty content in fancy rich person prison.)
  * gob is flabbergasted and offended. “pfft! relationship? whose relationship? that’s pretty gay of you to say  _i’m_  in a gay relationship. i didn’t know you were so  _gay_ , michael. i – with the – with the – gay – with the gay love – and the build-a-bear – and the – and the – and the – heterosexual spiky-haired butter dish–”
  * “gob, you are not straight, and you’re in love with tony wonder,” michael says with that classic michael beleaguered matter-of-factness.
  * “yeah, i know,” gob mumbles and then maybe throws his laptop into the sea.



 

* * *

 

  * tony quickly realizes that it’s probably for the best that he and sally part ways, because he was really not into running sitwell’s construction company, aside from hooking up with gob in his office and occasionally getting to wear a cute hardhat. gob is also very, very over the businessman life. it’s so BORING. there is never a reason for glitter or lighter fluid or “the final countdown”, and every time you try to incorporate them into the workday to spice things up, everyone gets mad at you.
  * so! they decide to forsake the world of business and become a full time traveling magic act. it actually goes really well because gob’s illusions have a surprising tendency to work when tony is part of them (and there’s no surprise cement), and they feed off each other’s onstage charisma ELECTRICALLY.
  * they develop an enthusiastic online fanbase of enchanted millennials that they can’t really understand, since they are the two most technologically illiterate people who’ve ever lived. george michael and maeby explain to them how the internet following has dubbed them “the smitten magicians”, because it rhymes cutely and also because it’s, well, true.
  * “i’m comfortable enough in my masculinity to agree with that,” george michael says. “they’re adorable.”
  * “pretty adorable,” agrees maeby. “hey, what are you guys doing?”
  * “we’re trying to figure out where the bird comes out of the computer,” tony reports impatiently.
  * “is this where you keep the dove?” gob asks, pointing vaguely at the disc drive. “you’d have to get it pretty flat. not that i haven’t flattened a dove before.”
  * “um,” says george michael, feeling suddenly not so bad about not being able to figure out how to invent fakeblock, “what?”
  * “well, would you look at that,” says gob smugly. “a couple of millennials who don’t even understand tweeting. SAD.”
  * “SAD,” tony agrees.
  * “soulmates,” says maeby gravely.
  * “as members of the lgbtq community, you should probably stop quoting trump so much,” is george michael’s gentle suggestion.
  * "okay," scoffs gob, "first of all, your alphabet's all mixed up. that's what a college education will get you."
  * "no, like, lesbian/gay/b--"
  * “pfft. who’re you calling gay, gay nephew??” 
  * “nice one,” says tony, high fiving gob.
  * (”it wasn’t,” says the narrator, who’s still around here somewhere, “but love could be blinding.”)
  * george michael sighs.



 

* * *

 

  * the bluth family agrees at one of their secret family meetings that they’re probably stuck with tony at this point, and should get used to it. and never let him or gob around any birds. or computers.



 

* * *

 

  * “what if we just, like, got married … in the act?” gob suggests one day while they are cuddling in the bed that they share, because, again, they are like a long-established couple at this point. probably it has been years and years. “the internet people would just eat that up. i’m pretty sure.”
  * (they aren’t 100% sure because, again, they don’t know how to use the internet, but #smittenmagicians is all the rage on the twitter, believe you me.)
  * (no doves were harmed in the making of this hashtag.)
  * tony is instantly inspired by this concept. “hey, what if we did it on …  _and as it is you so as it is unto such_?”
  * “it’s  _and as it is such, so also as such is it unto you_. the cute ones are always dumb,” gob says admiringly.
  * “we’ll show those religious weirdos that there’s nothing wrong with being gay. our internet hashbrowns will eat that up.” again: very confused about the basics of the internet and social media. “we’ll say we’re marrying jesus–”
  * “biggest fake gay there is,” gob scoffs. (he’s picked that expression up from tony, who really throws it around a lot.)
  * “–but really, we’ll marry each other in front of the whole congregaysh and  _blow their tiny bigot minds_.”
  * “SMITTEN MAGICIANS,” gob thunders rhapsodically.
  * “SMITTEN MAGICIANS!!!” tony echoes.
  * “… not that  _we’re_ gay,” tony adds after a moment’s consideration, squeezing gob’s hand to emphasize that point.
  * “super not gay,” gob agrees and probably kisses tony’s nose with all the world’s love. like not-friend work rivals who do hand stuff do.



 

* * *

 

  * SO IT HAPPENS!!! THE ILLUSION OF THE CENTURY!!!
  * along with all the bluths, ann veal is in the audience (possibly with her husband, steve holt, since that’s a fandom headcanon that will always burn bright with rightness in my heart), mostly just because she wanted a front row seat to the inevitable hot mess. also, tony is the father of her kiddo, even though everyone except her and steve holt are really bad at remembering that. ann and steve holt are amazing parents, though, who both know a thing or two about feeling forgotten and unseen and are very good at stopping their son from having any ‘my biological father is an unreliable magician’ issues.
  * gob and tony wear extremely fantastic, complementary-color-schemed suits covered with glittery crosses and G’s because gob still hasn’t quite figured out that a cross isn’t supposed to be a T. man. these christian weirdos really like the letter T. (though to be fair, so does gob these days.)
  * “we are here on this day to steer the smitten magicians back onto the path of rightness by symbolically wedding them to the lord our god, forsaking the temptations of same-sex delights,” says pastor veal, who is still a little uncertain about the specifics of what this televised magic extravaganza is supposed to accomplish. but hey. ratings have been down. they need a television Event, and this will do.
  * jesus himself – or, well, a suspiciously hot cops-y version – stands up at the head of the church, waiting for his magician man-brides, beside pastor veal (who is really continuing to side-eye this as a concept) – but jk! it’s tony in a jesus costume, which he tears off with zestful aplomb as somber organ music gives way to something way more hoppin’!
  * gob dances down the aisle to “the final countdown”. when he gets to the head of the church and pastor veal, it’s to reveal that it wasn’t tony-as-jesus up there waiting to wed him, it was a hot cop in a tony mask in a jesus costume!
  * then TONY enters & dances up the aisle to “the final countdown” and gob dances back down the aisle to meet him midway and basically it takes like 45 minutes to even get them to the front of the church because there’s too much giddy dancing. they really do tend to egg each other on. (her?)
  * finally, they make it to the altar. pastor veal looks like there might be some  _the sound of silence_ playing in his head. he’s made a huge mistake. all the gob-isms.
  * “i now pronounce you ………. GAY,” intones the assisting hot cop, who is dressed like jesus again.
  * but as it so happens, gob and tony are so entranced by each other’s gazes that they totally miss that cue.
  * “i’m in love with you,” gob admits, his face alight with feeling.
  * “i’m in love … with  _you_ ,” tony says  **wonder** ingly.
  * “HEY LOSERS, YOU’VE BEEN LIVING TOGETHER AND HAVING MONOGAMOUS SEX FOR FIVE YEARS,” yells maeby from the audience. “THIS ISN’T A PLOT TWIST.”
  * “god bless ‘em,” she adds as an aside to george michael, obviously pronouncing “god” like “joad” because that’s how the bluths do it now.
  * “joad bless ‘em,” george michael agrees sincerely.
  * “god,” gob marvels (he pronounces it the conventional way because he doesn’t like the idea of anybody stealing his name thunder), “i can’t believe we’ve been gay and in love this whole time.”
  * “thank god fake gay jesus showed us the truth,” tony marvels.
  * “shut it down!” yells pastor veal, who can’t take it anymore and goes full liz lemon. “SHUT IT DOWN IN THE NAME OF THE LORD.”
  * “ **NO** ,” says ann with surprising firmness, standing up. her voice echoes off the walls with dignified majesty. “let the gay idiots be in love. they’ve earned it. in their own really stupid way.”
  * pastor veal, chastened, lets the gay idiots be in love. “i now pronounce you man and … man.”
  * “I DO!” gob and tony say in, of course, unison. it’s insame.
  * and a little legally ambiguous, but that's not the point.



 

* * *

 

  * their enthusiasm for wedded bliss is so contagious that the failed attempt at a televised christian illusion turns into the most fantastic dance party in history. glitter falls from the ceiling. suddenly there are disco balls. the somber organ player turns out to be a pretty lit dj. it’s a spectacular transformation into the world’s greatest wedding reception.
  * until:
  * “NOW EVERYBODY’S GAY!!!!!!!” tony cries, falling back into an old habit.
  * that’s a little too far. all the churchgoers are HORRIFIED and STOP DANCING.
  * “maybe not everybody,” gob assesses as everyone except the bluths and bluth-adjacent folks hurry out of the church like someone just yelled ‘fire!’. (or ‘fire … sale!’)
  * “yeah, i might have misread the room,” tony admits with a frown.
  * “but even if everybody isn’t … the most important people are,” gob says tenderly, pulling tony into a slow dance.
  * “that’s right,” tony agrees, smiling.
  * gob considers what he just said. “i mean you and me.”
  * “yeah, i got that.”
  * “not any of my family members. well–”
  * “except tobias,” they say together.
  * “SAME!” they cry with all the world’s joy, and kiss ardently while glitter rains down and disco ball light illuminates them and “the final countdown” plays on an endless loop and possibly some doves fly around. it is a perfect moment.
  * to them, that is. (and us. and the #smittenmagicians fandom. who, plot twist, have been  _us the whole time._ )



* * *

 

  * meanwhile:
  * “… i don’t know what i expected,” says michael, trying to swat a dove away. (at least it’s alive this time.) “hey. what’s that from?”
  * “still better than tobias and lindsay’s wedding,” lucille pronounces with a sniff.
  * “well, the joke’s on you, mom–um, sis,” lindsay says, “because we’re  _renewing our vows._  right, tobias?”
  * she looks over to see tobias is not at her side anymore, since he is predictably swept up in the homoerotic dancing frenzy and is currently doing a bit of a bump and grind with fake jesus. but this time, she has a fond little smile.
  * “your husband is gay,” lucille pronounces dryly.
  * “for your information,  _mother-um-sister_ , he’s pansexual with a romantic preference for damaged blonde women. we’ve been talking all about it.”
  * with that, tobias calls lindsay over and she gladly shimmies away. they both dance delightedly and inappropriately with fake jesus. maeby pushes george michael down onto a pew to make out so she doesn’t have to watch it.
  * (yes, maeby and george michael are still a thing. as they explained to a disturbed but not entirely surprised michael, they didn’t really grow up together anyway, and besides, distant-ish incest is only a bummer when you have babies, and that's not a problem in this day and age. "what kind of idiots would bring kids into this sorry dumpster fire of a world?" maeby said.)
  * lucille rolls her eyes and announces to buster, who’s tuning in via ipad screen held by george sr. (that’s all he gets to do in this vision of the future; hold an ipad), that he’s the only one of her children – um, or siblings – who isn’t a total embarrassment lately. lucille has been really delighted with buster since she learned he pulled off a murder with such callous, terrifying efficiency. and the murder of her social rival, no less!
  * buster, for the record, is just loving the party.
  * “come on, NERDS,” says gob, sashaying over with tony.
  * “yeah!" tony says. "stop sitting here judging – ‘oh, i’m a non-gob bluth! i’m just gonna judge everything around me all the time and be really boring!’ – and start  _dancing_. even egg is busting a move.”
  * (it’s true. egg is. she’s good, too.)
  * “ha! burn! he burned you!!! my husband burned you so good! my husband – my husband – my husband–” gob is caught in a loop again, but this time in a happy way. tony grins delightedly and starts dancing in time to gob’s stammering.
  * “that’s not gonna get old,” says michael.
  * but the bluths – even lucille – accept gob and tony’s invitation, and get up to dance.
  * and so this is where we leave our bluths and funkes and wonders and veals and holts and ipads – grooving out in a church abandoned by god (or at least his most judgy and hypocritical followers), having a frankly fantastic time. love each other.



* * *

 

  * on the next  _arrested development_  …
  * gob skyping michael: “so tony and i have been thinking a lot about the next stage in our lives, and i think we’ve cracked it. get ready for this: parenthood.”
  * “oh right,” says michael, “these kind of idiots.”
  * “we’re thinking of naming him after gony the magnificent. you know, that bear that we built at build-a-bear.”
  * “yes, i’ve seen the pictures. the many, many pictures.”
  * “i’ll be real with you, mike: i think we’re going to nail this whole parenting thing. our kid will be cool, not like all those lame straight-parent kids. no offense to how lame george michael is. anyway, i figured you’d know how to start this thing. how do you get a kid when you’re gay? is there, like, a catalog? do you think lindsay would be willing to incubate if we paid her in live doves and pink goatee dye–?”
  * “UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD YOU AND TONY HAVE CHILDREN,” says michael, who finally finds a reason serious enough to come back to the family.




End file.
